Making The Connection
For men who go to the baths, it is not just about sex. It’s about making a connection—the desire for gay men to connect with other gay men.
Why is there this need to make a connection with someone? One word: loneliness, or rather, a subconscious feeling of isolation. Despite the strides and advances made by gays and lesbians in mainstream society, it still feels isolating to be “gay” in the gay community. Many men feel they don’t fit in.
Having a lower status in the gay community exacerbates the situation. Gay men regularly criticize their peers, whom they perceive to be “lower class.” Whether the person is of a different ethnicity or drives a used car, there is nothing anyone can do to change the elitist gay atmosphere. Remember, it’s more about the individual expressing it than it is about demonizing the group. The problem lies with the snobby gay men. Many of those men have self-esteem and insecurity issues. So they take it out on others in order to feel better about themselves. With the bars and clubs filled with pretentious and superficial gay men, where can gay men go to feel accepted? If you thought of the baths, you would be right.
The baths can be just as superficial as the bars and clubs. But it is also a place where everyone is on somewhat equal footing. Because everyone is naked in a towel, there is no class distinction. Lawyers interact with truck drivers, and so on. Plus, the baths are the only gay environment where you can see every type of gay man, regardless of age or race. Bathhouses are an environment where anonymity reigns supreme behind closed doors. While the connection you are making with someone else is a sexual one, underneath those sexual feelings lies the need to connect. Look at all of the numerous blowjobs that take place in sex clubs, bars, clubs, dance halls, and even public bathrooms. All this oral activity is, in reality, the need to connect with someone else, no matter how short or fleeting the experience may be.
For instance, I’ve seen this one Caucasian guy at the baths for the past few years. I’ve spoken to him several times; he is gay, amiable, and cute! However, the sole activity he enjoys at the baths is performing blowjobs, and he has no other interests. He avoids kissing, hugging, and anal contact. He focuses solely on delivering blowjobs to one individual after another. I think his record is fifty blowjobs in one night. He doesn’t discriminate between races, ages, or the person’s weight. I’ve observed him interacting with a diverse range of men—from Black to white, from fat to thin, from old to young—regardless of their race, age, or weight. I doubt he pays much attention to a man’s physical appearance. He only cares about the cock and its size. I suppose that is one of the reasons I have never witnessed him perform oral on an Asian guy.
Then there is this other white guy, who I suspect identifies as straight but suppresses his desire for men. Whenever these cravings become overwhelming, he drops by the baths. I’ve seen him multiple times, at all hours of the day. All he does is give blowjobs every chance he gets. I once saw him performing oral sex on another guy for an hour! He was so engaged in sucking that cock that he slurped that dick like it was his last meal, refusing to stop. The man receiving the blowjob appeared to feel ensnared, with no alternative but to remain seated, persist in watching the pornographic film, and relish the sensation.
This straight guy is synonymous with the fact that you see more married, bi, or closeted men at the baths than in any other gay environment (like bars or clubs). These men rarely interact with the gay community, and their strong desire to connect with other gay men is evident. This need stems from their insecurity and denial about their sexuality. These men can fill that void of insecurity by interacting with other gays. Thus, they feel secure. However, this feeling of security is fleeting, as the need soon returns. The baths offer these men a false sense of security and acceptance. The baths provide these men with the liberty to release inhibitions and experience freedom beyond their daily routines. Since the baths are anonymous and closed-door, they feel safer connecting with other gay men. Baths offer anonymity, unlike bars and clubs, which are visible.
While these men have an overwhelming need to connect with other guys, they don’t want to get too close. But that is the beauty of the baths. They can bond sexually with another man, and that encounter will remain anonymous and detached. There is only pure, raw sex; there is no conversation, no names exchanged, and no getting to know you. Once these men ejaculate, those pent-up feelings of loneliness evaporate. One quick shower, and he’s on his merry way. But trust me, those feelings of loneliness resurface a few hours later. These men can’t get back to the baths fast enough. For openly gay men, it just means more fun at the baths. However, for those who are closeted, it can be a frustrating cycle.
But it is not only straight men who need to connect; gay men have the same need. That is why many of the same men hang out at the baths all the time. It is almost like being a familiar face at the same bar night after night. Why are there so many gay bathhouse regulars? This is due to a subliminal sense of isolation and a yearning to establish connections with fellow gay men, similar to those in close relationships. The aim is to experience a feeling of inclusion in the gay community.
For instance, I have seen this good-looking Russian man at the baths every week. But how do I know he is Russian? He has shared his life story with anyone who will listen, complete with a heavy Russian accent. The Russian will approach any white guy and start a conversation about anything and everything. Occasionally, this Russian man might make a sexual connection as well. However, a warning: some guys find it annoying when strangers come up and start talking. For some men looking for pure sex, conversation just gets in the way.
I’ve overheard bits of his conversations with other white guys. I suspect he is still in the closet, as he also considers himself straighter than gay. Observing this Russian being sociable and engaging in conversation with every White man struck me as a desperate attempt to connect with the gay community. I’ve even heard the Russian admit to other men that he uses the baths to socialize. It allows him to meet other gay men, as he doesn’t know where to meet them.
But another thing struck me about the Russian man. After a while, I couldn’t help noticing that he never spoke to any people of color at the baths. He spoke to every Caucasian person, old or young, fat or thin. At the baths, he never spoke to me or other visible minorities. However, as soon as a Caucasian man appeared, the Russian would immediately engage in conversation. You could almost see the desperation in his eyes. Even in his body language, he wanted to connect with anyone—as long as they were white.
I know I’m speaking about the racial thing again. But it is only human nature to feel safe and secure around people like themselves. Therefore, a Caucasian Russian would likely find comfort only in the company of similar white individuals. Being in Russia doesn’t expose him to many visible minorities. So he probably feels a sense of ‘foreignness’ around anyone who isn’t White. However, he also appeared to exhibit a strong sense of status consciousness, a trait I previously identified as common among gay men. This explains why he limits his communication and engagement to white men.
Asians are another class-conscious group. Yes, I’m on that subject again, but the following anecdote is too useful not to tell. The other day, I was at the baths and observed a twenty-something Asian man who was extremely muscular (and yes, the Russian man also ignored him!). He appeared quite agitated, walking up and down the halls impatiently. Eventually, they called his room number for either check-out or room renewal. But he wasn’t ready to go. So he checked out of his room and purchased a locker to stay longer. I later heard from the front desk attendant that he had been at the baths for 8 hours. He must have been desperate for some attention! As time went on, he became more and more bitchy. At least, that is what the bathhouse staff observed.
The next thing I knew, he checked out his locker, purchased another room, and was with a white hustler. All of a sudden, his personality changed. No longer was he rude and scowling at other people. As he bonded with his hired white hustler, he was filled with laughter and joy. However, the shocking truth is that they rarely engaged in sexual activity. They spent most of their time talking. I’m sure they had sex at some point. But it was almost like the Asian guy wanted and needed company and conversation, and it had to be from someone Caucasian.
This Asian guy has an inherent repressed inferiority complex, as if a conversation with a white guy is better than one with an Asian guy. I perceived him engaging in conversation with a white person as a means of social advancement. He aspired to ‘improve’ himself, akin to a gold digger. Look at the amount of money he spent in just one day. For all his time at the baths (over 12 hours) and renting that white guy just for conversation, it cost him about $400.00.
When I observe the Russian or the Asian guy, I see someone’s overwhelming need to connect. They seek acceptance and a sense of belonging within the gay community. But what else is there to do besides go to the gay baths? The solution is to make that connection within yourself. Only through therapy can you achieve that feeling of contentment. Do that, and I guarantee it will be a wonderful feeling.
I wanna fuck and suck a dude or the first time who wants to be my first we will have orgasm after orgasm
I just “found” your blog after enjoying your comments on other sites. I have to tell you – I LOVE IT! Some of these naysaying bitches be damned – don’t listen. One particular thing that resonates is the honesty of your expression of your observations and experience. The other thing is your perceptiveness. And I’ve only read 3 or 4 entries so far.
I also agree with your premise about connection. There are two types of gay lives – within the gayborhood / gay community and outside of it. While electronic connection has burgeoned over the course of your experiences (and mine) it has served to stoke the thirst for beyond-physical connection for many gay men, not to slake it. Being a Marine for 30 years I was – and to a great degree my husband and I still are – outside the gayborhood without easy access to a gay sub-community, it was easy to get off; but even in a big city, I couldn’t just frequent gay bars and clubs on my leave times. Now, living in the suburbs, we can’t easily frequent even the gay community businesses.
Bath houses, on the rare occasions that I could go, was like an immersion into a male gay world. A stark and welcome counterbalance to my male military world. To be among men, essentially joined in our objective, naked for the most part, all watching, assessing and, to the extent that the prime directive had been satisfied – or the sad occasions when it obviously was not to be – talking easily and casually, bared to each other there in commonality of one sort and of common purpose, was a rare opportunity to connect more fully. Letting our real, essential selves cavort among a herd of similar men was cathartic.
Your essays capture and evoke – and I’ve only read a few – and give true texture as opposed to it distantly portrayed in QAF and others, just a bit too far to touch, beyond the screen.
Well I am not sure why many gay couple goes to bath together I think one think that can be the reason its they just like to enjoy the water together. To be honest who wouldn’t like a great shower with his or her partner.
Bathhouses are a wonderful source of adventure that makes life worth living!
Well, there’s nothing that connects us more, as human beings, than this type of intimacy. Something anonymous encounters can give us a greater feeling of connection and even intimacy than decade-long relationships.
I was just checking out the other sex bloggers at Kinkly.com’s Sex Blogging Contest. I liked yours, interesting and thoughtful.
Hi, I’d like to see a category of asian links for gay chat.. I c gayromeo, and adam4adam but both have their limitations respectfully thailand, philippines and india. No Japan, China or Korea. Gay.com is a pale comparison of its initial entree.
I too have seen the guys who just patrol the halls and never do anything. The other day, there was this middle aged guy in a dark business suit, minus tie, but otherwise fully clothed, down to his polished shoes, who was just wandering around. He stopped outside my door at least 6 or 7 times, staring intently at my upturned ass, but never made a move or even a gesture. I so much wanted him to at least come in and try, but he stayed aloof. Then there was this other guy, who has really limited eyesight. He feels his way around the bathhouse, but when he finds a nice bubble butt, like mine, he dives right on. Doesn’t mind screwing in front if an audience, either. Bravo for him
Does anyone know of a decent bath house on Long Island (Suffolk County), NY?
Great essays on this blog. Thanks for posting.
It’s true that in the bathhs, all men are naked, and socio-economically equal. looking for a quick shag is not always about loneliness though. Often it is just about sex itself, it’s that simple.
I love your website! Write more articles please.
Well said, the true fact is most of us love to keep themselves anonymous in a place like bathhouse. So there won’t be any bindings and stay away from their regular life. It work as an adventure too.
Come to Korea and we can explore the gimjilbangs together! i have a couple of couches, so no worries! Love your site… it’s solid insight into what most of us are thinking/wondering about : )
I’ve gone to a gay bi bathhouse before to have a hot time before but hardly ever connect with someone because of my inhibitions. I love to have sex with another man but he has to take the initiative cause I’m too shy I guess. I enjoy giving oral receiving anal but I like it when a man is the aggressor.
Just wondering if you have more recent blog posts about your life now. Are you partnered? Do you still go to bathhouses? what have happened in the last 10 years? Thank you so much for writing all these. I have found them very interesting.
Wow the bath house you go to sounds totally awesome.
I came across your blog thru Google. I was amazed at your wit and eloquence. I had always had the stereotype that men whom visit the bathhouses regularly belonged to a ‘certain category’ or that men whom sleep around also were certain ‘types’ but i guess its just a prejudice that i have. I am assuming that you were born and raised in North America. As someone born and raised in Asia, i guess the white thing you were talking about doesn’t really factor in given that its natural everyone you meet at a bathhouse or club would be Asian anyways. But i do see many Asians either in Asia or whom have moved overseas whom date much older white men or even if they are about the same age, always extremely unattractive as compared to the Asian. I guess so even for Asians whom grew up in Asia, somehow even without the constant media bombardment of ‘white images’ they still have an inferiority complex..sad..thank god, I’ve always preferred fellow Asian Chinese men, then Japanese/Korean, South East Asians, Latinos, Europeans and then Caucasians in that order..haha..weird but true..not the conventional order for those living in the west. take care n dun go to the baths too often, diseases spread easily even with precaution (all it takes is once) and seriously, you won’t find the intimacy you want and may even feel lonelier and dirtier after.
Awesome observations and some really hot stories. I saw so much of myself in these pages with your observations of gay men. I’m actually bi, and have watched myself slowly change the older I get. I did not realize until I read your point about Making the Connection, that it is exactly where I’m at.
I love gay sex, but the gay male connection is what I crave. My hottest experiences are the ones in which we kiss passionately and rub our bodies together. Fucking and sucking is very important, but that connection is just as, and sometimes more important. Thank you for helping me realize that. That gay intellectual and emotional bonding is the be-all and end-all right now. I just can’t imagine where it goes next.
Like some people I’ve read about here on the site, when I first began having sex with men, kissing was the LAST thing I would do. It was too intimate, too intense. That hasn’t changed these days, except that I crave that now, I’d just as soon have that as a blowjob. Of course, once we kiss, that’s soon to follow.
I have great stories and experiences to share, welcome any comments and conversations.
Wow. your essay was very insightful. I’ve never been outside my country or any community that has GWM or anything but thanks for that info. hmm.. it makes me think about everything.
I’m kinda new to this blogging thing and reading peoples’ blogs and site. But yours so far was the best.
I find your stories to be quite original, and well written. Perhaps you should just publish instead of working for others at this time. Your insight and honesty are right on it seems, and it was a pleasure to discover you efforts. Thanks for making them:) And all though I have had an admiration for Asian’s my entire life..It distresses me to admit that you are correct in many of your assessments regarding GWM vs GAM..and vise versa, only I find that at times the reverse is true for me. Why is equal only a word? I really wish that in my younger days, the GAM’s I knew and wanted, didn’t at times think lessor of me for being white. Where were you when I was looking for Mr right:=) Thanks for the stories.
I too have visited baths all over the world for the past 25 years. I enjoyed reading your perspective, it is all very fun, most of all.
OK, call me naive…but my eyes are wide open, as is my jaw! LOL I had heard the term bathhouse, but didn’t realize exactly what it was. Your site is very enlightening, and I am impressed that you haven’t fallen to just writing porn-type stories. I hope you will continue to be careful, also.
Loved your stories. Will be visiting Cleveland in late May and hope to visit the baths there.
Indian Asian 39yrs and in middle east, have to enjoy read your info for bath houses, have you info for middle east let me know Thanks and loves
I really enjoyed your stories. I learned a lot from them. I have never been with an Asian, but am interested. I think you could teach me something.