Making The Connection
Making The Connection

For men who go to the baths, it is not just about sex. It is the need for gay men to connect with other gay men. It is about making a connection.

Why is there this need to make a connection with someone? One word – loneliness: Or rather a subconscious feeling of isolation. Despite the strides and advances by gays and lesbians in mainstream society, it can still feel isolating to be ‘gay’ in the gay community. Many men don’t feel they fit in.

It is even worse if you have a lesser status in the gay community. You regularly see gay men bash their fellow gay men who are ‘lower class.’ Whether the person is of a different ethnicity or drives a used car, there is nothing anyone can do to change the elitist gay environment. Just remember, it says more about the person saying it than about the group getting vilified. The gay men who are stuck up are the ones with the problem. Many of those men have self-esteem and insecurity issues. So they take it out on others to feel better about themselves. With the bars and clubs filled with pretentious and superficial gay men, is there another place where gay men can go to feel accepted? If you thought of the baths, you would be right.

The baths can be just as superficial as the bars and clubs. But it is also a place where everyone is on somewhat of an equal level. There is no class distinction because everyone is naked in a towel. Lawyers interact with truck drivers, and so on. Plus, the baths are the only gay environment where you can see every type of gay man regardless of age or race. Bathhouses are a behind-closed-doors atmosphere where anonymity reigns supreme. That connection you are making with someone else is a sexual one. But underneath those sexual feelings lies the need to connect. Look at the many glory holes in sex clubs, with many anonymous blowjobs in bars, clubs, dance halls, and even public bathrooms. Again, this oral activity is, in reality, the need to connect with someone else, no matter how short or fleeting the experience may be.

For instance, I’ve seen this one Caucasian guy at the baths for the past few years. I’ve spoken to him several times; he is gay, amiable, and cute! But the only thing he likes doing at the baths is performing blowjobs and nothing else. Not kissing, not hugging, not anal, only blowing guy after guy after guy. I think his record is fifty blowjobs in one night. He doesn’t discriminate between races, ages, or the person’s weight. I’ve seen him go from black to white, fat to thin, old to young, just a variety of men. I doubt he even cares about how the guy looks. All he cares about is the dick and how big it is. That is one reason I have never seen him with an Asian guy.

He is not the only one. I’ve seen this other young, white guy regularly at the baths. My take is that he identifies as straight but suppresses his craving for men. Whenever these cravings become overwhelming, he drops by the baths. I’ve seen him multiple times at all hours of the day. After work, before Sunday dinner, on a Saturday afternoon, and so on. All he does is give blowjobs every chance he gets. Once, I noticed him naked on his knees, giving another guy a blowjob in the porno lounge. He blew that guy for at least half an hour! He was so into sucking off that cock, the man getting the blowjob was trapped. He slurped that dick like it was his last meal, refusing to stop. The guy receiving had little choice but to sit, continue watching the porn flick, and enjoy being serviced.

Getting close to someone does not drive these men; connecting with other men is their overwhelming need. But they don’t want to get too close, which makes all these sexual interludes somewhat ironic. That is the beauty of the baths. They can bond with another man sexually, but to have that encounter remain anonymous and detached. No conversation, no names exchanged, or getting to know you is established – only pure raw sex. Once these men ejaculate, those pent-up feelings of loneliness evaporate. A quick shower, and he’s on his merry way. But trust me, those feelings of loneliness resurface a few hours later. These men can’t get to the baths fast enough. For openly gay men, it just means more fun at the Baths. But for the closeted men, it is a frustrating merry-go-round.

But many men go to the baths looking for some companionship in a non-sexual way. That is why you see more married, bi, or closeted men at the baths than in any other gay environment (like bars or clubs). These men don’t have many dealings with the gay community, and the need to connect with other gay men is strong. As I mentioned with the deeply closeted guy, that need is insecurity and denial about their sexuality. By interacting with other gays, these men can fill that empty vacuum of insecurity. Thus they feel secure. But only for a short time, before that need resurfaces. The baths offer these men a false sense of security and acceptance. The freedom to let go and feel uninhibited outside of their everyday lives. Since the baths are anonymous and closed-door, they feel safer connecting with other gay men. Unlike bars or clubs, which are very visible, those establishments don’t offer the same type of anonymity the baths can offer.

But it is not only these ‘straight’ men needing to connect. Gay men have this need as well. That is why many of the same men hang out at the baths night after night. It is almost like being a regular at the same bar night after night. Why are there so many regulars? Like the closeted guy, it is that subconscious feeling of loneliness and needing to connect with other gay men. To feel a sense of belonging within the gay community.

For instance, I’ve seen this good-looking Russian man at the baths weekly. How do I know he is Russian? Anyone who will listen, he has told his life story. Complete in a heavy Russian accent. Any White guy the Russian spotted, he would approach and talk to about everything and anything. Sometimes, the Russian man would hit it off with someone and get lucky. But a warning; some guys find it annoying when strangers come up and start talking. It just gets in the way of some men looking for pure sex.

I’ve overheard bits of conversations the Russian has had with other White guys. What I can piece together is that he is still in the closet. But the Russian has these urges to be with other guys. He also considers himself straighter than gay. Seeing this Russian being social and talking to every White guy struck me as a desperate need to connect with the gay community. I’ve even overheard the Russian admit to other men that he uses the baths to socialize. To meet other gay men because he doesn’t know where to meet other guys.

But another thing struck me about the Russian man. After a while, I couldn’t help noticing that he spoke to almost every regular at the baths. Almost everybody is old or young, fat or thin, except myself and other visible minorities. But he never spoke with me or other visible minorities in the whirlpool. Not once. However, the second anyone Caucasian would get in the water; he would turn on the charm immediately and start a conversation. You could almost see the desperation in his eyes. Even in his body language, he wanted to connect with anyone – as long as they were white.

I know I’m speaking about the racial thing again. But it is just human nature to only feel safe and secure around people like themselves. So a Caucasian Russian guy would probably only feel comfortable around similar white guys. Being in Russia doesn’t expose him to many visible minorities. So he probably feels a sense of ‘foreignness’ around anyone who isn’t White. But he also seemed very status conscious, which I mentioned as being prevalent with other gay men. Hence only speaking and interacting with white guys.

Another group that’s class conscience is Asians. I’m on that subject again, but the following anecdote is too good not to tell. The other day I was at the baths, and I saw this VERY muscular twenty-something Asian guy (and yes, the Russian guy ignored him too!) He seemed quite agitated, walking up and down the halls quite impatiently. Finally, his room number was called to either check out or renew his room. But he wasn’t ready to go. So he checked out of his room and purchased a locker to stay longer. I later heard from the front desk attendant that he had been at the baths for 8 hours. He must have needed to get laid! As time wore on, he was getting more and more bitchy. At least, that is what the bathhouse staff thought.

The next thing I knew, he checked out his locker, re-purchased another room, and was with a white hustler. All of a sudden, his personality changed. No longer was he rude and scowling at other people. But he seemed in a buoyant mood, laughing and cheerful as he was with a white hustler. Here is the kicker, they hardly had any sex! They spent most of their time talking. I’m sure they had sex at some point. But it was almost like the Asian guy wanted and needed company and conversation, and it had to be from someone Caucasian.

Inside this Asian guy is an inherent repressed inferiority complex, as if a conversation with a white guy is better than with an Asian guy. I saw him being with a white guy (for chit-chat) as some social-climbing function. Whereby he had hoped to ‘improve’ himself like some gold-digger. Just look at the money he spent on that one day. For all his time at the baths (over 12 hours) and renting that white guy just for conversation, it cost him about $400.00.

When I observe the Russian or the Asian guy, I see that I need to connect. To feel acceptance and that sense of belonging within the gay community. What is the solution? Make that connection within yourself. You can only do that through therapy to achieve that feeling of contentment. I guarantee it’ll be a great feeling.

24 thoughts on “Making The Connection”

  1. I just “found” your blog after enjoying your comments on other sites. I have to tell you – I LOVE IT! Some of these naysaying bitches be damned – don’t listen. One particular thing that resonates is the honesty of your expression of your observations and experience. The other thing is your perceptiveness. And I’ve only read 3 or 4 entries so far.

    I also agree with your premise about connection. There are two types of gay lives – within the gayborhood / gay community and outside of it. While electronic connection has burgeoned over the course of your experiences (and mine) it has served to stoke the thirst for beyond-physical connection for many gay men, not to slake it. Being a Marine for 30 years I was – and to a great degree my husband and I still are – outside the gayborhood without easy access to a gay sub-community, it was easy to get off; but even in a big city, I couldn’t just frequent gay bars and clubs on my leave times. Now, living in the suburbs, we can’t easily frequent even the gay community businesses.

    Bath houses, on the rare occasions that I could go, was like an immersion into a male gay world. A stark and welcome counterbalance to my male military world. To be among men, essentially joined in our objective, naked for the most part, all watching, assessing and, to the extent that the prime directive had been satisfied – or the sad occasions when it obviously was not to be – talking easily and casually, bared to each other there in commonality of one sort and of common purpose, was a rare opportunity to connect more fully. Letting our real, essential selves cavort among a herd of similar men was cathartic.

    Your essays capture and evoke – and I’ve only read a few – and give true texture as opposed to it distantly portrayed in QAF and others, just a bit too far to touch, beyond the screen.

  2. Well I am not sure why many gay couple goes to bath together I think one think that can be the reason its they just like to enjoy the water together. To be honest who wouldn’t like a great shower with his or her partner.

  3. Well, there’s nothing that connects us more, as human beings, than this type of intimacy. Something anonymous encounters can give us a greater feeling of connection and even intimacy than decade-long relationships.

    I was just checking out the other sex bloggers at’s Sex Blogging Contest. I liked yours, interesting and thoughtful.

  4. Hi, I’d like to see a category of asian links for gay chat.. I c gayromeo, and adam4adam but both have their limitations respectfully thailand, philippines and india. No Japan, China or Korea. is a pale comparison of its initial entree.

  5. I too have seen the guys who just patrol the halls and never do anything. The other day, there was this middle aged guy in a dark business suit, minus tie, but otherwise fully clothed, down to his polished shoes, who was just wandering around. He stopped outside my door at least 6 or 7 times, staring intently at my upturned ass, but never made a move or even a gesture. I so much wanted him to at least come in and try, but he stayed aloof. Then there was this other guy, who has really limited eyesight. He feels his way around the bathhouse, but when he finds a nice bubble butt, like mine, he dives right on. Doesn’t mind screwing in front if an audience, either. Bravo for him

  6. Does anyone know of a decent bath house on Long Island (Suffolk County), NY?

    Great essays on this blog. Thanks for posting.

  7. It’s true that in the bathhs, all men are naked, and socio-economically equal. looking for a quick shag is not always about loneliness though. Often it is just about sex itself, it’s that simple.

  8. Well said, the true fact is most of us love to keep themselves anonymous in a place like bathhouse. So there won’t be any bindings and stay away from their regular life. It work as an adventure too.

  9. Come to Korea and we can explore the gimjilbangs together! i have a couple of couches, so no worries! Love your site… it’s solid insight into what most of us are thinking/wondering about : )

  10. I’ve gone to a gay bi bathhouse before to have a hot time before but hardly ever connect with someone because of my inhibitions. I love to have sex with another man but he has to take the initiative cause I’m too shy I guess. I enjoy giving oral receiving anal but I like it when a man is the aggressor.

  11. Just wondering if you have more recent blog posts about your life now. Are you partnered? Do you still go to bathhouses? what have happened in the last 10 years? Thank you so much for writing all these. I have found them very interesting.

  12. I came across your blog thru Google. I was amazed at your wit and eloquence. I had always had the stereotype that men whom visit the bathhouses regularly belonged to a ‘certain category’ or that men whom sleep around also were certain ‘types’ but i guess its just a prejudice that i have. I am assuming that you were born and raised in North America. As someone born and raised in Asia, i guess the white thing you were talking about doesn’t really factor in given that its natural everyone you meet at a bathhouse or club would be Asian anyways. But i do see many Asians either in Asia or whom have moved overseas whom date much older white men or even if they are about the same age, always extremely unattractive as compared to the Asian. I guess so even for Asians whom grew up in Asia, somehow even without the constant media bombardment of ‘white images’ they still have an inferiority complex..sad..thank god, I’ve always preferred fellow Asian Chinese men, then Japanese/Korean, South East Asians, Latinos, Europeans and then Caucasians in that order..haha..weird but true..not the conventional order for those living in the west. take care n dun go to the baths too often, diseases spread easily even with precaution (all it takes is once) and seriously, you won’t find the intimacy you want and may even feel lonelier and dirtier after.

  13. Awesome observations and some really hot stories. I saw so much of myself in these pages with your observations of gay men. I’m actually bi, and have watched myself slowly change the older I get. I did not realize until I read your point about Making the Connection, that it is exactly where I’m at.

    I love gay sex, but the gay male connection is what I crave. My hottest experiences are the ones in which we kiss passionately and rub our bodies together. Fucking and sucking is very important, but that connection is just as, and sometimes more important. Thank you for helping me realize that. That gay intellectual and emotional bonding is the be-all and end-all right now. I just can’t imagine where it goes next.

    Like some people I’ve read about here on the site, when I first began having sex with men, kissing was the LAST thing I would do. It was too intimate, too intense. That hasn’t changed these days, except that I crave that now, I’d just as soon have that as a blowjob. Of course, once we kiss, that’s soon to follow.

    I have great stories and experiences to share, welcome any comments and conversations.

  14. Wow. your essay was very insightful. I’ve never been outside my country or any community that has GWM or anything but thanks for that info. hmm.. it makes me think about everything.

    I’m kinda new to this blogging thing and reading peoples’ blogs and site. But yours so far was the best.

  15. I find your stories to be quite original, and well written. Perhaps you should just publish instead of working for others at this time. Your insight and honesty are right on it seems, and it was a pleasure to discover you efforts. Thanks for making them:) And all though I have had an admiration for Asian’s my entire life..It distresses me to admit that you are correct in many of your assessments regarding GWM vs GAM..and vise versa, only I find that at times the reverse is true for me. Why is equal only a word? I really wish that in my younger days, the GAM’s I knew and wanted, didn’t at times think lessor of me for being white. Where were you when I was looking for Mr right:=) Thanks for the stories.

  16. I too have visited baths all over the world for the past 25 years. I enjoyed reading your perspective, it is all very fun, most of all.

  17. OK, call me naive…but my eyes are wide open, as is my jaw! LOL I had heard the term bathhouse, but didn’t realize exactly what it was. Your site is very enlightening, and I am impressed that you haven’t fallen to just writing porn-type stories. I hope you will continue to be careful, also.

  18. Loved your stories. Will be visiting Cleveland in late May and hope to visit the baths there.

  19. Indian Asian 39yrs and in middle east, have to enjoy read your info for bath houses, have you info for middle east let me know Thanks and loves

  20. I really enjoyed your stories. I learned a lot from them. I have never been with an Asian, but am interested. I think you could teach me something.

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