Bathhouse Drunks

Bathhouse Drunks

As you’ve read in my essays, the majority of men visit the baths as a means of attracting attention or establishing social connections. Some men visit the baths because they are among the loneliest individuals on the planet. These are truly lost souls. There are many, and I am one of them. We are not victims but individuals who are damaged goods. The situation is not surprising considering the cards society has dealt gay men. I will respond to my issues a bit later.

I go to the baths primarily for social interaction and the hope of finding casual, meaningless sex. I am just as guilty as the next person that is a lost soul. That feeling of loneliness is why you see so many guys looking for empty sex to fill that emptiness inside them. (I hardly get any sex, though that is another story.) Some turn to sex; others turn to drugs in addition to sex. While others don’t do drugs but have sex and drink liquor. Empty sex, drug use, and alcohol abuse—don’t all good things come in threes? Occasionally it is all three, a combination of two, or just one. Some individuals go straight for the liquor, disregarding the presence of others around them. It is the bottle that is their object of affection.

I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. Opportunities have presented themselves to me, but the fear of the unknown stops me from trying. Heck, I don’t even use profanity. I am genuinely a goody-two-shoes. So if it is not drugs or sex for these lonely men, it is liquor. Since I’ve already written about two of the three evils, this essay will cover alcohol. I’ve encountered fall-down alcoholics at the baths many times. These drunks will come to the tubs looking for a place to crash after exhausting their goodwill at the bars. Unable to make it home, they head to the gay baths for a bed to sleep it off. Alternatively, they may want to drink even more, since some bathhouses have bars that serve liquor.

For bathhouse regulars, they have seen their share of guys wasted, stumbling in the hallways, falling, getting up again, and barely making it to their room. One guy recently spent a week drinking beer after beer at the baths. Every 8 hours, he re-upped his room and subsisted on nothing but beer.

Now I’m going to share two stories about two very different drunks. One I’m friendly with and another I care about very much.

Eli is 45, 5’11”, blond, and blue-eyed with a nicely furry chest—but a drunk. I cannot recall a time when he wasn’t intoxicated. Every time he arrived at the baths, he was wasted. Once as I was leaving the baths, I saw him come in. Sixteen hours later, I came back, and Eli was still there. He had just renewed for another 8 hours and was still intoxicated. For 24 hours, Eli spent his time at the baths. He was not eating, sleeping, or even brushing his teeth. He was only doing two things: drinking and having sex. Hopefully, Eli was having safe sex. However, when a person is drunk, it is difficult to predict their actions. But this time, Eli was upset about something. I can’t remember what it was, but he needed to work it out. So, he decided to cope by getting drunk and sucking cock. For sixteen hours, it was non-stop drinking. Amidst all that drinking, there was also a focus on cock and ass. Eli has the body and looks to get laid anytime he wants. Occasionally Eli will sit in the lounge, beer in hand, his eyes glazed over with a smile. People do take advantage of his weakened state.

Some of the older, overweight, and even Asian guys will sit next to him and strike up a conversation. They take advantage of him because they know he is drunk and will probably only object half-heartedly. The sad thing is that he allows guys to exploit him sexually. Perhaps he enjoys the ego boost of being admired by men who do not match his level of attractiveness.

During his vacation in Mexico, Eli did not visit the beach, tour the local markets, or sample any local cuisine. He headed straight to the local bathhouse and spent 24/7 doing the same thing he does at home. Get wasted and taste as many cocks as possible. He doesn’t even get a tan or know how the weather is. He stays indoors to drink excessively and taste cock at both ends. He finds Latino guys pretty irresistible. Being a blond tourist in their midst is hard to ignore. It is a trip he takes at least once a year. On one occasion, he missed his flight back home by just a few minutes. Therefore, he went back to the baths and spent another night there, explaining to his employer that he had missed his flight.

He once complained to me about his tummy, which was fine. It was flat but flabby when he sat down, like an accordion. Probably due to all the liquor he drank. Being out of shape has spurred Eli to try to stall the aging process. He spends a lot getting Botox. During a wild hookup, he broke his bed. It stayed broken for a long time because he spent all his extra money on face injections.

Now comes the most personal story I will ever write. I had a relationship with an alcoholic. But it may not be appropriate to refer to it as a “relationship.” His name was Thom. The first time I saw him, he was on the outdoor patio at the baths. We started a conversation, and he kept complimenting me on my dimples (yes, they are my best feature). Pretty soon, we started spending time together. I am not ashamed to admit I cared for him very much. If there was one guy who was perfect for me, he was it. People ask me all the time, ‘What is my type?’ I always reply, “Someone with a friendly face.” Thom had a somewhat contorted expression, laced with lines of sadness. It only added to his face’s character, making him even more attractive to me. Though he was white, his race was not a factor in my attraction. His face was what drew me to him. Furthermore, sharing numerous similarities and being of the same age rendered him my ideal partner. But in retrospect, he subconsciously viewed me as transitioning from his recent breakup to the new life he is leading.

Mostly I was his drinking companion. I don’t drink, and I’ve never been around an alcoholic. However, whenever we would meet up at the baths, Thom would be at the bar, repeatedly putting one back. Holding hands was the only intimacy we had while he was drinking. I could count on one hand the number of times we had sex. Our intimate moments were insignificant compared to the numerous occasions I shared drinks with him at the bathhouse bar.

I was initially patient, assuming that we would get together after he finished consuming his glass of wine. However, Thom would continue to order drinks one after another, without stopping. He would always get drunk at the end. Occasionally he would say he had to go to his room for a minute. Then before I knew it, Thom had left, leaving me at the bar waiting for him. Once he even left his boxer shorts on his bar stool! But there were also times we met outside the baths. We would go for walks in the park or have dinner at his place. Even then, he would consume a two-liter bottle of wine in one sitting.

I’ve heard about a few relationships where one becomes a fellow boozer after getting involved with a functioning alcoholic—drinking with someone to keep up, thus becoming an addict. I didn’t want that to happen to me. However, the issue arose with Thom. He couldn’t understand why I didn’t drink alcohol. Thom persistently urged me to start drinking with him. He would suggest that we could have so much fun if we were drunk. So, strike one against me: I don’t drink. Another issue is that he couldn’t understand why I would want to leave him alone at the bar. This was after I had spent four hours next to him, watching him get plastered. Thom didn’t want me to go home. He worked afternoons, so staying out all night was not a problem. So why couldn’t I stay by his side until 2 AM? Strike two against me. Thom wanted to have a codependent partner—to have their entire world revolve around him. These two incidents solidified the situation, causing him to lose interest in me.

When Thom got intoxicated, he was all over me. He constantly shared his thoughts and feelings for me. When he was sober, Thom appeared to be pushing me away. This told me I wasn’t the person he needed in his life, which is an enabler for his drinking. Thom even told me about an event in which he got so drunk that he passed out in public. He landed face-first on the street. Thom would eventually wake up in the hospital with a concussion. If Thom had a codependent partner, he wouldn’t be alone. Thom didn’t want me as a companion since I refused to be that person. Thom once told me that he didn’t understand why I saw a shrink.

His drinking even destroyed his marriage. Yes, he was married to another guy named Porter. Their live-in relationship lasted longer than the marriage. The marriage ended after Thom went out one night on a drinking binge. That evening, Thom began drinking excessively with another man. Eventually, they wound up back at Thom & Porter’s place. Half dressed, they promptly passed out on their marriage bed. When Porter returned from his graveyard shift and saw the two in bed together, he ended the marriage, despite it all being completely innocent. I don’t think this indiscretion destroyed the marriage. I firmly believe that Thom’s drinking was a long time coming in the break-up, but this incident was the final straw.

I saw Thom twice more, once when he was sober and once when he was drunk. Sober, Thom seemed to be pushing me away. Drunk, he confessed that he had made a mistake about us and had his hands all over me. Then Thom promptly threw up.

But I knew that being involved with an alcoholic would be a mistake. I didn’t try very hard to keep in touch with him. So, we lost contact for a few years. Because of a family death and other commitments, I couldn’t go to the baths in the evening (his time). Even if I had wanted to get in touch with him, I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to reach him. Thom subsequently moved and changed his phone number. He switched to another email plan and didn’t have Facebook (at the time). I couldn’t talk to him even if I wanted to. Two years passed, and Thom crossed my mind a few times. I still cared for him, but I knew we would have no future together with his drinking.

Three years would go by before I finally ran into Thom, who was leaving the baths with his Asian fuckbuddy. He appeared disheveled, the effects of his drinking evident on his face, and he appeared extremely hungover. He said he was sick, but I knew better. He was pretty distant with me. Thom could have been talking to me from the planet Mars, and that distance still wouldn’t have been far enough for him. Through some snooping, I would discover that this duo spent the night at the baths. Thom was so drunk he latched on to one guy and refused to let him go. Then, later on, in the early morning hours, he fucked another guy. His Asian fuckbuddy was fully awake, lying on one side of the bed with his face directed toward the wall. On the other side of the bed, Thom was penetrating an anonymous bottom. The minute Thom ejaculated, he threw the guy out, saying, “My boyfriend is trying to sleep.”

I saw Thom a few more times at the baths. On two separate occasions, he stopped by with his Asian fuckbuddy. Thom proceeded to pass by me without acknowledging my existence, as if I were invisible. The third time I saw him, we had a brief conversation where he told me to my face that he was looking to make new friends. I guess he doesn’t even consider me a friend.

He must have been earnest about making new friends, as Thom signed up on Plenty of Fish (which he told me he would do the one time we did speak). In one day, he changed his profile from “not searching for a partner” to “searching for a partner.” Overnight, he received hundreds of requests from Asian men and arbitrarily chose one to meet. After one date (yes, you read correctly, one date), both rushed home to update their Facebook pages and announce they were in a relationship. His new Asian love is Tito (pronounced Tea Toe), and they have branded themselves as T&T (Thom & Tito!). They have established a T&T Facebook page where they publicly proclaim their affection for each other. Thom’s Asian fuckbuddy is now history and ended his friendship on Facebook. When Thom wants to move on, he presses the delete key and never looks back. He once posted on his Facebook page, ‘It’s sad how quickly people can forget about you until they want something from you.’

Instead of looking internally and examining his past behavior, Thom believes that this quick fix for a boyfriend will solve everything. He has convinced himself that the baths and liquor were the real problems in his life. Instead of using alcohol to fill his emptiness, Thom believes that being in a relationship would solve his problems. But that is only a band-aid solution. Things might be hunky-dory for a while. But Thom is in major denial about being an alcoholic. He is just a time bomb waiting to go off. Once he settles down and feels comfortable, Thom will resume his drinking. But he now has a full-time enabler in Tito.

Thom and Tito don’t have a relationship. They have a companionship, with Thom pulling the strings and Tito acting as his puppet. It would be akin to a rich guy hiring a hustler for friendship. You pay the companion to travel, attend theater events, dine out, and even engage in sexual activities. The only difference between that arrangement and the T&T relationship is that Tito doesn’t receive payment for his time. Tito was looking for a life partner who was honest and drama-free (good luck). Tito is so enamored with Thom that he practically worships the ground he walks on, ‘liking’ every post Thom makes on his Facebook page. Everything Thom likes on Facebook, Tito also ‘likes.’ In fact, Tito appeared to be “love bombing” Thom on Facebook long before it became internet vernacular. The dynamic between Thom and Tito is one of neediness. As I previously mentioned, the combination of Thom’s alcoholism and Tito’s codependency creates an ideal situation. This outcome is the perfect storm. Thom and Tito will be together for a very long time. Judging by history, they both will not come out of this relationship unscathed. But rather severely damaged.

Someone once told me that narcissists don’t love the other person. But instead, they love what that person can do for them. When someone is useless, they throw them away, as seems likely here. When Tito is of no use to Thom, he will throw him away and never look back. However, given the inextricable links between the two individuals, it will be a long time before that happens. But for all the wrong reasons.

I see now that I was just a transition for Thom from the breakup of his marriage to the gay Asian community. I was the first Asian guy Thom had ever been with. Before me, he had only been with white guys like himself. But now that Thom has discovered the gay Asian community, he will never be alone. He has found the right kind of guy for his needs. Thom has discovered that Asian men will completely commit to fulfilling his every desire and need. Tito will tenaciously hold onto this relationship, refusing to let Thom go. Tito will tolerate any harsh treatment he may receive by allowing Thom to continue his alcohol consumption. Why? Having a drunken gay white man is preferable to having no white man at all. It is a status symbol for gay Asian men to have a relationship with a gay white man. Once a gay Asian man secures a relationship with a gay white man, they have achieved a major milestone. Due to their low self-esteem, gay Asian men are enablers and codependents in all relationships with gay white men. Once snared, they will NEVER let go of a gay-white male relationship, no matter how awful things get. NEVER EVER. Because of their mutual dependence, Thom and Tito are inseparable.

Even if Tito were to dump him, Thom would never be alone. All he has to do is place another ad online. It wouldn’t even take half a second before tons of Asians start lining up, ready to take Tito’s place. Willing to become Thom’s next enabler. It is not because Thom is attractive, has a great body, or has a lot of money. It is because Thom is White. For a majority of gay Asian men, that is all that matters. I often advise gay white men that if they are struggling to find a partner, just date Asians. You will never be lonely again. Thom has learned that lesson very well, indirectly, from me.

My so-called relationship with Thom was utterly superficial, with no depth. Tito can offer more for him than I can when it comes to supporting his drinking. I refrained from pursuing Thom, as he enjoys the attention. He has never been pursued by men; they have always approached him. Thus, he has never been alone. Guys find something about him appealing—always wanting to be around him. If Tito ever left Thom, another Asian man would quickly replace him. Thom can abandon people without any repercussions. He can act that way because he has found a community that worships the ground he walks on. As long as he dates Asians, Thom will never be lonely for the rest of his life.

Oh well, at least I still have my dimples.

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