As I have written, most guys go to the baths to get laid or socialize, to make that connection. Some men go to the baths because they are the loneliest people on the planet. These are truly lost souls. There are many, and I am one of them. Not victims, but guys who are damaged goods. Not surprising, considering the cards we are dealt with by society. I will get to my issues a bit later.
I go to the baths for the social aspect and the hope of finding meaningless empty sex. I am just as guilty as the next person that is a lost soul. That feeling of loneliness is why you see so many guys looking for empty sex to fill that emptiness inside them. (I hardly get any sex, though that is another story) Some turn to sex; others turn to drugs in addition to sex. While others don’t do drugs but have sex and drink liquor. Empty sex, drug use, and alcohol abuse – don’t all good things come in threes? Sometimes it is all three, a combination of two, or just one. Some go straight for the liquor, not caring about whoever is around. It is the bottle that is their object of affection.
I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. Opportunities have presented themselves to me, but the fear of the unknown stops me from trying. Heck, I don’t even use profanity. I am genuinely a goody two shoes. So if it is not the drugs or the sex for these lonely men, it is the liquor. Since I’ve already written about two of the three evils, this essay will cover alcohol. I’ve encountered fall-down alcoholics at the baths many times. These drunks will arrive at the tubs looking for a place to crash, as they have used up all their goodwill at the bars. Unable to make it home, they head to the gay baths for a bed to sleep it off. Or they want to get sloshed even more, as some bathhouses have a bar serving liquor.
For bathhouse regulars, they have seen their share of guys wasted, stumbling in the hallways, falling, getting up again, and barely making it to their room. One guy recently spent a week drinking beer after beer at the baths. Every 8 hours, re-upping his room and subsided on nothing but beer.
Now I’m going to share two stories about two very different drunks. One I’m friendly with and another I care about very much.
Eli is 45, 5-11, blond, blue-eyed with a nicely furry chest but a drunk. I cannot recall a time when he wasn’t intoxicated. Every time he arrived at the baths, he was wasted. Once as I was leaving the baths, I saw him come in. Sixteen hours later, I came back, and Eli was still there. He had just renewed for another 8 hours and was still intoxicated. For 24 hours, Eli spent his time at the baths. He was not eating, sleeping, or even brushing his teeth. He was only doing two things, drinking and having sex. Hopefully, Eli was having safe sex. But when you are drunk, who knows? But this time, Eli was upset about something. I can’t remember what it was, but he needed to work it out. So he decided to get drunk and suck cock as an antidote. For Sixteen hours, it was non-stop drinking. Between all that drinking, it was cock and ass. Eli has the looks and body to get laid anytime he wants. Sometimes Eli will sit in the lounge, beer in hand; his eyes glazed over with a smile. People do take advantage of his weakened state.
Some of the older, overweight, and even Asian guys will sit next to him and strike up a conversation. They take advantage of him because they know he is drunk and will probably only object half-heartedly. The sad thing is that he allows guys to exploit him sexually. Maybe it is an ego thing to be worshiped by all these guys that are not even at his level of looks.
When he vacationed in Mexico, Eli didn’t visit the beach, tour the local markets, or taste some local cuisine. He headed straight to the local bathhouse and spent 24/7 doing the same thing he does at home. Get wasted and taste as many cocks as possible. He doesn’t even get a tan or know how the weather is. He stays indoors to get wasted and taste cock, at both ends. He finds Latino guys pretty irresistible. Being a blond tourist in their midst is hard to ignore. It is a trip he takes at least once a year. One time he missed his flight back home by mere minutes. So he returned to the baths and lived it up for another night, explaining to his employer that he missed his flight.
He once complained to me about his tummy, which was fine. It was flat but flabby when he sat down, like an accordion. Probably due to all the liquor he drank. Being out of shape has spurred Eli to try to stall the aging process. He spends a lot getting Botox. During a wild hook-up, he broke his bed. It stayed broken for a long time because he spent all his extra money on face injections.
Now comes the most personal story I will ever write. My relationship with an alcoholic, though using the word ‘relationship,’ might be too strong of a word. His name was Thom. The first time I saw him was on the outdoor patio at the baths. We started a conversation, and he kept complimenting me on my dimples (yes, they are my best feature). Pretty soon, we started spending time together. I am not ashamed to admit I cared for him very much. If there was one guy that was my type, he was it. People ask me all the time, ‘What is my type?’ I always reply to someone with a friendly face. Thom had that look that was a bit scrunched but had lines of sadness. It only added to his face’s character, making him even more attractive to me. Though he was white, his race was not a factor in my attraction to him. His face is what drew me to him. His being my age and having many things in common made him my ideal guy. But in retrospect, he subconsciously viewed me as transitioning from his recent break-up to the new life he is leading.
Mostly I was his drinking companion. I didn’t drink and had no experience being around an alcoholic. But whenever we would meet up at the baths, Thom would be at the bar instead of us having sex – putting one back again and again and again. The only intimacy we had was holding hands while he was drunk. I could count on one hand the number of times we had sex. They pale compared to how often I was his drinking companion at the bathhouse bar.
At first, I was patient, thinking we would fool around and have sex after this glass of wine. But then Thom would order another drink and then another and another. He was always getting drunk at the end. Occasionally he would say he had to go to his room for a minute. Then before I knew it, Thom had left, leaving me at the bar waiting for him. One time he even left his boxer shorts on his bar stool! But we also met outside the baths – a walk in the park here, dinner at his place there. But even then, he would get plastered, downing a two-liter bottle of wine in one sitting.
I’ve heard about a few relationships where one becomes a boozer after getting involved with a functioning alcoholic – drinking with someone to keep up, thus becoming an addict. I didn’t want that to happen to me. It did become an issue – but with Thom. He couldn’t relate to why I didn’t drink alcohol. He kept saying that he had to get me drunk one of these days. He’d say, “Think about all fun we could have.” So strike one against me; I don’t drink. Another issue is that he couldn’t understand why I would want to leave him alone at the bar. After watching him get plastered for four hours next to him, why would I want to leave him all alone? Thom didn’t want me to go home. He worked afternoons, so staying out all night was not a problem. So why couldn’t I stay by his side until 2 AM? Strike two against me; my world didn’t revolve around him, which Thom wanted, a codependent. These two strikes sealed the deal, leading him to lose interest in me.
When Thom was drunk, he was all over me. He repeatedly said that he thought about me and liked me. When sober, Thom seemed to be pushing me away. He wanted someone who would be an enabler for him and his drinking. Thom even told me about one incident of being so drunk and passing out in public. He fell face-first on the street. Thom woke up in the hospital with a concussion. If he had a codependent partner, at least Thom wouldn’t be alone. Because of those two strikes I mentioned above, I was not what Thom wanted or needed in a companion. Thom once told me he couldn’t understand why I saw a shrink.
His drinking even affected his marriage. Yes, he was married to another guy named Porter. Their live-in relationship lasted longer than the marriage. The marriage fell apart after Thom went out on a drinking binge one night. Pretty soon, he started taking shot after shot with another guy. Eventually, they wound up back at Thom & Porter’s place. Half dressed, they promptly passed out on their marriage bed. The marriage ended when Porter returned from his graveyard shift and saw the two in bed together despite it all being completely innocent. I don’t think this indiscretion destroyed the marriage. I genuinely believe it was the drinking, and this incident was the final straw for Porter.
I saw Thom twice more, once when he was sober and once drunk. Sober, Thom seemed to be pushing me away. Drunk, he admitted he had made a mistake about us and was all over me again. Then Thom promptly threw up.
But I knew that being involved with an alcoholic would be a mistake. I didn’t try very hard to keep in touch with him. So we lost contact for a few years. Due to a death in my family and other commitments, I couldn’t go to the baths in the evening (his time). Even if I had wanted to get in touch with him, I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to reach him. Thom subsequently moved and changed his phone number. He switched to another email plan and didn’t have Facebook (at that time). I couldn’t talk to him even if I wanted to. Two years went by, with Thom crossing my mind a few times. I still cared for him but knew we would have no future together if he kept drinking.
The following year I finally ran into Thom, leaving the baths with his Asian fuckbuddy. He looked terrible, the drinking clearly on his face, and he looked beyond hungover. He said he was sick, but I knew better. He was pretty distant toward me. Thom could have been talking to me from the planet Mars, and it still wouldn’t have been a far enough distance for him. Through snooping, I discovered that this duo spent the night at the baths. Thom was so drunk he latched on to one guy and refused to let him go. Then, later on, he fucked another guy in the early morning hours. This Asian fuckbuddy was lying on one side of the bed, face towards the wall, completely awake. While on the other side, Thom was topping this bottom. The second Thom ejaculated, he threw the guy out, saying, “My boyfriend is trying to sleep.”
I saw Thom a few more times at the baths. Twice he came in with his Asian fuckbuddy, and walked right by me as if I didn’t exist. The third time I saw him, we had a brief conversation where he told me to my face that he was looking to make new friends. I guess he doesn’t even consider me a friend.
He must have been earnest about making new friends as Thom signed up on Plenty of Fish (which he told me he would do). Soon he changed his profile from “Not looking for a partner” to “Looking for a partner” in one day. Overnight he was inundated with requests from Asian guys and chose one guy at random to meet. After one date (yep, you read correctly, one date), both rushed home to update their Facebook pages to announce they were in a relationship. His new Asian love is Tito (pronounced Tea Toe), a couple called T&T (Thom & Tito!). Complete with a T&T Facebook page where they declare their love for each other. His Asian fuckbuddy is now history. Even though they were friends on Facebook, that’s terminated as well. When Thom wants to move on, he presses the delete key and never looks back. He once posted on his Facebook page, ‘It’s sad how quickly people can forget about you until they want something from you.’
Instead of looking internally and examining his past behavior, Thom thinks this quick fix of a boyfriend will solve everything. He has convinced himself that the baths and liquor were the real problems in his life. Instead of filling his emptiness with alcohol, Thom thinks if he were just in a relationship, that would solve his problems. But that is only a band-aid solution. Things might be hunky-dory for a while. But Thom is in major denial about being an alcoholic. He is just a time bomb waiting to go off. Once he is settled and feels good, Thom will return to drinking. But he now has a full-time enabler in Tito.
Thom & Tito don’t have a relationship. They have a companionship – with Thom pulling strings on Tito as his puppet. It would be akin to some rich guy hiring a hustler for friendship. Paying the trick for companionship to travel, go to the theatre, dine out, and even fuck. The only difference between that and the T&T relationship is that Tito needs to get paid.
Tito was seeking an honest and drama-free life partner (good luck). Tito enamors Thom that he practically worships the ground he walks on by ‘liking’ every post-Thom puts on his Facebook page. Every posting, every picture, every video, and every response Thom makes. Everything Thom likes on Facebook, Tito also ‘likes.’ The duo T&T is needy meets needier. As I had said earlier, an alcoholic (Thom) and a codependent (Tito) are the perfect storms. T&T will be together for a very long time. Judging by history, they both will not leave this relationship unscathed. But rather severely damaged.
Someone once told me that narcissists don’t love who the person is. But instead, they love what the person can do for them. When that person is useless to them, they throw them away, which will probably happen in this case. When Tito is useless to Thom, he will throw him out and never look back. But it will be quite a while before that happens because this duo needs each other. But for all the wrong reasons.
I see now that I was just a transition for Thom from the break-up of his marriage to the gay Asian community. I was the first Asian guy Thom ever encountered. Before me, he had only been with white guys like himself. But now that Thom has discovered the Gay Asian community, he will never be alone. He has found the right kind of guy for his needs. Someone totally and entirely devoted to his every whim and need. To enable and tolerate his drinking while ignoring all the cruelties that Thom will throw his way. Tito will hang on to this relationship by his fingernails, never letting go of Thom. Drunken Gay White Men are better than having no Gay White Man. Once a Gay Asian Man manages to land a Gay White Man, they have finally climbed Mount Olympus. They will NEVER let go of a Gay White Male relationship, no matter how bad things get. Due to their low self-esteem, Gay Asian Men are enablers and codependent in all relationships with Gay White Men. It is a status symbol for Gay Asian Men to get their Gay White Man. Once snared, a Gay Asian Male will NEVER let go of a Gay White Man. NEVER EVER. Thom and Tito are stuck with each other because each is a needy individual who feeds off the other.
Even if Tito were to dump him, Thom would never be alone. All he has to do is place another ad online. It wouldn’t even take half a second before tons of Asians start lining up, ready to take Tito’s place. Willing to become Thom’s next enabler. It is not because Thom is that attractive, has a great body, or has a lot of money. It is because Thom is White. For a majority of Gay Asian Men, that is all that matters. I tell Gay White Men all the time; if you have problems finding a boyfriend, open your mind to an Asian. You will never be lonely again. Thom has learned that lesson very well, indirectly from me.
My so-called relationship with Thom was utterly superficial, with no depth. Tito can offer more to him than I can to support his drinking. I didn’t pursue Thom, and he likes getting hit on. He has never been the chaser. Thus he has always been with others. Guys find something about him appealing, always wanting to be around him. If Tito ever left, another Asian guy would take his place in half a second. Thom can drop people on a whim and not have any feelings about it. He can act that way because he has found a community that worships the ground he walks on. Thom will have that for the rest of his life as long as he dates Asians.
Oh well, at least I still have my dimples.
Own this story and other sex racism stories by going to Amazon NOW and buying the book for only $1.99!