Eye Contact

Eye Contact

As you stroll down the street, the eye of a man catches yours. You don’t pause to continue the gaze with a nod and a friendly smile; instead, you keep walking. While grocery shopping, your eyes meet another guy’s briefly before you look away. At the gym, there were so many guys with so many eyes. However, you either keep your head down or look directly past everyone, thereby avoiding eye contact. Whether intentional or not, eye contact is a natural occurrence for every gay man out there. However, eye contact often triggers a superficial thought that many gay men experience, leading them to believe they are being hit on. Why does the act of making eye contact, being friendly, and acknowledging the other guy cause him to feel as though he is being hit on?

They say the eyes are a window to a person’s soul. It is a way for two people to become intimate at a distance. Maintaining eye contact with someone is, in and of itself, a language. Most gay men use eye contact as their primary language, whether consciously or subconsciously. Gay men are prone to this behavior, as it’s deeply ingrained in our DNA. However, eye contact could lead to the irrational sensation of scrutiny by other gay men, be it on the street, in a bank, at a supermarket, in a gym, or elsewhere. These are everyday situations where eye contact can happen. It seems that many guys will avoid eye contact and adopt this “pissed-off” look on their faces most of the time. That look conveys the message to other guys: “Do not come near me,” “Do not approach me,” and “I am not interested.” But in reality, that look masks the vast insecurity that almost all gay men carry: low self-esteem.

Recently, I’ve started sitting right in front of the main bathhouse entrance. That way, I can see which new customers are arriving at the baths. 85% of the men that enter avoid all eye contact with me. There is no acknowledgment, nod, or even a ‘Hi.’ Since the baths are known for their anonymity, that’s a given. However, there are some guys I’ve seen at the baths for years. Walking in, they turn their heads and avoid looking at me altogether. Despite the fact that I am sitting directly in front of them, they still avoid looking at me.

I’m not cruising, chasing, or even threatening anyone. I’m just sitting there. What is so threatening about that? However, these guys avoid eye contact, indicating that they struggle with self-esteem, a common trait among gay men. You might be thinking, ‘Well, maybe he is shy?’ No. Shy people would need more guts to enter a place like the baths. I’m recognizable because I sit in the same spot week after week. Self-confident men wouldn’t even feel the slightest bit of threat from me. They would give me a nod, a hello, or even stop to chat. The guys who avoid eye contact or even the slightest acknowledgment of me have issues. That individual exhibits low self-esteem.

Let’s talk about eye contact in cruising locations. Whether you like it or not, eye contact is the language you use to assess a guy. There’s no better place than the baths to exercise your eye contact skills with someone you like. The eyes speak, so there is little direct communication. I’ve received many letters from men complaining that no one approaches them at the baths. But eye contact is the best way to see whether the other person is interested. If I encounter a man who is of interest to me but fails to make eye contact and appears to be looking straight ahead, I am aware that this individual has no interest in me. I do not have to waste my time chasing this person; I can move on to someone else. Additionally, I am aware that the individual is conveying a message to other men to avoid him when he appears to be angry.

I recall encountering a GORGEOUS and MUSCULAR blond man who resembled a porn star. He kept his jeans on, but he was shirtless and wore sunglasses. It was summer, and during that time, the baths felt more like a pool house. Men would enter and exit the outdoor patio. They would be completely naked or be wearing a towel, having spent their time swimming or tanning (yes, the bathhouse I go to does allow nude tanning and swimming!). The blond guy stood in the hallway for an hour without getting any action. Finally, he approached me, recognizing my approachable face, and asked me what was wrong with all these guys. Excuse me, I said. He told me he was from out of town, and he dropped in to check out the bathhouse situation in my city. He couldn’t understand what was wrong with all of the local guys. Why wasn’t anyone approaching him? I explained that because he was wearing sunglasses, no one could make eye contact to see where his interest lay. Wearing jeans, he conveys a non-approachable demeanor and is likely only seeking a blow job. Given his attractive appearance and impressive physique, many men mistakenly believe he is beyond their reach. “I am unapproachable” was the signal he was projecting. He thought briefly about what I said and then replied, “Nah, it must be the guys here.” With that, he left to go to another bathhouse. However, his demeanor conveyed the message, “I should not engage in conversation until I approach you.”

I recall a different, stunning individual in the porn room who sported a full erection at the baths. He stroked himself up and down, all ripe and ready to receive oral. It looks like he wanted anyone to give him a blow job, right? WRONG! Whenever anyone even entered the porn room, this gorgeous guy would shoot daggers with his eyes. His eyes conveyed a powerful message to all of us: “Leave immediately.” I guess he was hoping for someone more to his liking, whatever those standards may be.

But I can’t stand guys who go out of their way to avoid me. Even after I have gotten the message that they have no interest in me, I leave them alone. I must acknowledge my sensitivity and thin skin. However, I find it personally hurtful when someone avoids me. Examples include exiting a room when I enter, taking a different route in the hallways to steer clear of me, and even walking the long way around the halls so passing my room doesn’t happen. It is challenging to desensitize yourself from that type of blatant rejection. I know I should not take it personally, but it is hard. What else are they rejecting—the chair I’m sitting in? Are they rejecting the towel I’m wearing? Of course not; they’re rejecting me. But I can also understand them acting that way. Many Asian men have developed a habit of repeatedly making advances toward white men. I regularly witness this behavior at gay baths. After being approached by numerous Asian men, many gay men tend to label all gay Asians as desperate and pursue them relentlessly.

I hate it when guys act arrogantly and presume they are the center of attention, thinking, “All these stares are exhausting.” In reality, they are average in appearance and often go unnoticed by others. It is especially true for overweight and out-of-shape men who run into Asians in the hallways. As I previously stated, the stereotype of Asians pursuing gay white men leads these guys to believe we are pursuing them! Thus, they turn their heads, look away, and emit an attitude when any Asian male enters a room, as if we would be interested in them. Forget about just having a conversation with someone cute. Men perceive eye contact in the lounge as a form of harassment, as previously mentioned. Therefore, they avoid conversations to stop the other person from ‘cruising’ them.

Conversely, I have encountered situations where older men in their sixties have pursued me to the extent of stalking. Although it pains me to do so, I must resort to the behavior I’ve discussed in order to distance myself from these older men. These older men seem to lack the ability to accept rejection. Sometimes, an older man stands outside my room, trying to make eye contact with me while massaging his cock. To demonstrate my disinterest, I look away, turn my head, and stare at the ceiling, all in the hopes of showing that I have no interest. Usually, that works. On several occasions, I’ve looked away for over five minutes, but the older guy hasn’t given up. At this point, I will usually say, ‘I am just resting.’ The older guy leaves, but he continues to cruise and watch me for the remainder of my stay.

One time I was in the whirlpool, and this 70-year-old man got in and sat near me. I was not interested, and I tried to make that transparent. I sat away from him, positioned myself to face a wall, and curled up in a fetal position. You would think that he would understand the message. But what did he do? Under the water, he tried to play footsie with me. I did not expect him to touch me, and when he did, I was so surprised that I yelled and sprang up! Then he took offense to my outburst. Excuse me, but who was cruising whom? Is it not obvious from my actions that I am not interested? But of course, you all know my theory of why older guys chase after Asians.

It upsets me that I have to treat these older gentlemen this way because of my job at the Gay Elder Center. Unfortunately, there are times when it’s necessary to be direct and express disinterest. However, many older men approach me for conversation because I am very approachable. I always tell the older men this is just conversation.

While I’ve seen regulars at the baths who don’t talk to me, I always attempt to acknowledge the person with some eye contact and a nod. Some guys appreciate the acknowledgment and return with a nod. Others look right past me without even a second glance. I always say hello when I encounter someone I’ve hooked up with. But only some guys do that. Usually, they act as if they have never seen you before. Guys who do this are dealing with their own insecurities and problems. However, not all men behave in this manner. When I’ve crossed paths with some men, our nods transform into hellos and then into conversations.

For four years, I’ve seen one guy my age at the baths every Saturday afternoon. If there were Saturday afternoon regulars, it would be the two of us. It took years for us to nod and greet each other. Now, we engage in brief conversations about things like the weather. That is because we have seen each other so many times. Friendships at the baths are tenuous and superficial. I sometimes wonder about him, what makes him tick, and why he comes to the baths. We may go for coffee outside the bathhouse and learn more about each other. I will have to keep you posted.