The Politics of Oral Sex
The number one sex act performed at the baths is oral sex; you see it everywhere. So much oral is going on in the whirlpool, the shower area, and the lounge. It is prevalent to see oral sex performed out in the open. It is so commonplace that it seems to be a prerequisite to be a gay man – that you must take part in oral sex.
When people think of oral sex, most envision this personal, intimate bonding experience between two people who genuinely care for each other. The opportunity to let go and give entirely to another person. But gay men have to get their heads out of the heterosexual mindset. Kissing is the equivalent of displaying intimate contact between two men who love each other. Being blown or laid, you can get that anywhere. Actual, physical, close contact, like kissing – you want to save for a future boyfriend. Many men have told me they do not even kiss guys they may encounter at the baths. Oral sex? No problem; Anal? Pass the lube, But kissing? NO WAY! You would think it would be the other way around.
For instance, I’ve seen this one Caucasian guy at the baths for the past few years. I’ve spoken to him several times; he is gay, amiable, and cute! The only thing he likes doing at the baths is performing blowjobs and nothing else. Not kissing, not hugging, not anal, only blowing guy after guy after guy. I think his record is fifty blowjobs in one night. He doesn’t discriminate between races, ages, or a person’s weight. I’ve seen him go from black to white, fat to thin, old to young, just a variety of men. I doubt he even cares about how the guy looks. All he cares about is the dick and how big it is. That is one reason I have never seen him with an Asian guy.
He is not the only one. I’ve seen this other young, white guy regularly at the baths. My take is that he identifies as straight but suppresses his craving for men. Whenever these cravings become overwhelming, he drops by the baths. I’ve seen him multiple times at all hours of the day. After work, before Sunday dinner, on a Saturday afternoon, and so on. All he does is give blowjobs every chance he gets. Once, I noticed him naked on his knees, giving another guy a blowjob in the porno lounge. He blew that guy for at least half an hour! He was so into sucking off that cock, the man getting the blowjob was trapped. He slurped that dick like it was his last meal, refusing to stop. The guy receiving had little choice but to sit, continue watching the porn flick, and enjoy being serviced.
Then there are men at the baths who like to receive. You can find many straight guys at the baths simply because they want a blowjob. They have wives, girlfriends, or even fiancées who don’t like to perform oral sex on their significant other. Many women find it gross. So what should a man do if he is not getting it at home? They go to the baths. Many straight men don’t consider oral sex adultery or even sex. They see it as getting off. How can you tell if a man is straight at the baths? If he is wearing all his clothes, his zipper is open, and his dick is hanging out of his pants, fully exposed. The message is unmistakable; all he wants is to get blown. It gives a new meaning to the phrase “Well Hung!”
I remember one guy (who I suspected was straight) who only liked to get blown. Every week, on the same day, at the same time, he would arrive at the baths. He would situate himself in the porn room and start stroking himself. Then a succession of over twenty guys would suck him for over three hours! During that time, he would never say anything. Some blowjobs lasted a minute; others could go on for five minutes. After three hours, he would shower, get dressed, and leave. He proved so popular and consistent that guys used to be waiting for him in the porn room. At least 70% of those guys were Asian!
Then there are the glory holes. Guy stick their dicks through an opening, waiting for whoever passes by to suck them off. On one side, the person receiving doesn’t know who is doing the sucking. Conversely, the person doing the sucking doesn’t know who this dick belongs to. All he sees is a cock hanging out of a hole, so he goes for it. It is where anonymous sex is truly anonymous! There is even something called a “slurp ramp.” That is where men stand next to each other all in a row, sticking their dicks through a hole. Conversely, guys can suck off the cocks, one after the other.
So if you are a guy who likes to suck cock at the drop of a hat, performing oral is not an issue for you. From what I have viewed at the baths, guys are more inclined to receive than to give. But if you notice, all the examples I talk about were stories about guys receiving oral than giving. In my opinion, oral sex boils down to an issue of power. You can find yourself in bed with a guy, and the next thing that happens is a cock staring you in the face. Being expected to suck it off and the other person calling the shots. Rather than letting things happen organically. It’s especially true with many Gay Asians, seen as this sucking machine at the gay baths.
After decades of going to the baths, I still see Gay Asian Men giving heads to anyone and everyone in record numbers. It is a never-ending cycle. I rarely see a Gay Asian Man at the baths refuse to blow anyone, even if that person is seventy! No wonder so many older gay men take a shine to Asians! But in reality, it is self-hatred, as many Gay Asian Men have self-esteem issues. Because of that, Gay Asians need that feeling of validation by Gay White Men – the gay community standard. So to validate oneself is to blow as many Gay White Men as possible. But I also genuinely believe many white guys at the baths view Asians as the ultimate “backup.” During their stay at the baths, they hunt for good-looking prey. But if they fail to find anyone, they go to the next best thing – the desperate Asian man waiting in the wings.
It disturbs me that gay men only see us Asians as a way to service them, like some concubine freely giving out blowjobs. After these Gay White Men get orally pleasured by an Asian, they leave. Not a thank you, not an acknowledgment, not even a nod. Once satisfied, these Gay White Men wrap their towel around their midsection and leave to cruise for more guys. Those Asians would be on their knees, still in position, with their mouth open, getting nothing. Unless the Asian LOVES giving blowjobs, the only thing these Asian men get is short-lived feelings of fulfillment blowing a White Guy. But it is a vicious cycle for these Asians. After blowing a Caucasian man, many of them feel used. But then, five minutes later, they are cruising for another White guy to blow. All to continue receiving that validation they crave.
With all this sucking going around, no one is using a condom, despite the risks of HPV (oral cancer) and other STIs you can get through performing oral. Gay guys will not get sucked while wearing a condom. That will not happen. But what if you are one of that tiny minority in the gay community that insists on condom use for oral? It depends on the person and how things are progressing. You can say immediately, “I do not do oral without a condom.” Most of the time, you will have guys that become incredulous and leave without saying a word. While others will at least say, “I’ll take a pass” – before leaving.
Surprisingly you might find the odd guy that will put the condom on. If you are desirable to the other guy, he’d be willing to do anything you ask. But that is like one out of a thousand. Then there are rare times when a guy is not even interested in oral, and other things happen. Or he performs orally, not interested in being reciprocated. Of course, there are those situations where things get turned up so fast, and ground rules are not even set. Suddenly a cock is staring you in the face. That is when you would say, “I just brushed my teeth,” or “I just came from the dentist.” If the guy leaves, he leaves. But if you leave this essay with anything, leave with this. You should be vaccinated for HPV – to lessen the chances of being diagnosed with oral cancer. Consult with your family doctor on the process of getting vaccinated.
While I have just written about the politics and etiquette around oral sex, there is one topic I have not covered. That is when to cum in a guy’s mouth. It would be best if you always asked BEFOREHAND. It is bad manners to just cum in a guy’s mouth without asking. Most guys are consistent in asking whether they could cum in the mouth or not. Or, at the very least, they would at least give a warning that they were going to cum, moan, and groan, saying they were close. Cumming in someone’s mouth without asking or warning is just bad manners.
So after writing about the politics of oral sex, I hope I’ve clarified things for anyone new to the ins and outs of blowjobs. Just because every gay man performs oral sex doesn’t mean you should. It isn’t for everyone. Don’t for one minute feel pressured to do it. Remember what I always say. Don’t do anything you are uncomfortable doing. Only you know what is suitable for you – and no one else.
I agree totally with Eats. A mindset of “I’m going to use your body to have a good time – you have a good time with mine.” This is particularly so for casual relationships that usually occur in places such as bath houses. If someone has low esteem it surely can’t be from wanting to enjoy m2m sex, particularly sucking cock which is the ultimate for me. Nothing can be more natural and rewarding in m2m sex than sucking cock..
This is a great website
Reply
oral sex is best sex forever….
Reply
As an older GAM, 66 yo, somewhat on the heavier side, and a versatile-top, I have been to bathhouses and find that my mileage varies from getting vs. receiving oral. Kinda’ depends on whether you are passive or aggressive, If I’m in a room waiting for someone to cruise by, it’s hit & miss (mostly miss). If I am cruising the hallways/sauna/steam room/jacuzzi/dark room, I can pick my guy and see (though rejection sometimes hurts…perhaps unreal expectation/fantasy).
I have become a bit bolder in my older age…sometimes finding more success. I have had many lost opportunities with some men, who I think wanted to hook up, but I did not recognize the signs. For example, I was in the hot tub with 2 other men…neither was very interested in me…but a 30-something Asian came to the tub, did not enter, but kneeled down and splashed water on himself, looked at us, paused, then sat down for a minute outside of the tub. I had just arrived, so wasn’t sure about hooking up right away. I should have gotten out of the tub to see if there was more interest.
Reply
I’m one of those straight guys who basically just likes to get blowjobs. I go to a bathhouse like once a month. I’m never pushy, I usually just sit in the porn lounge or the sauna partially exposed and some guy checks me out touches my thigh a little and then I subtly suggest its ok for him to touch my pretty sizeable penis, and then I oftentimes get a blowjob. Usually they are really good, sometimes they aren’t(seriously guys beards are ok clean shaven is best stubble is just terrible) sometimes its too completion and sometimes its just for a few minutes, and/or they end it with a handjob. Oftentimes the guy will walk away after that. I’ve had a few conversations with guys at the bathouses, usually before “The act” but not a lot. Guys are generally kind of quiet in there like a very kinky library. I don’t really get turned on by other mens bodies but it feels good to be nude and comfortable in your own skin as a man and just honest about what you want. It’s sort of surprising to me that a lot of gay men enjoy giving head for its own sake with absolutely nothing in return, but hey I’m enjoying it. I certainly don’t see Asian men as a “backup”. I can recognize asthetic beauty in men and find that Asian men are among the most attractive looking, to me anyway. Occasionally I will stroke another mans penis while we sit together and I have given a blowjob twice, sort of out of a sense of obligation and to try it. I did not find it enjoyable it felt kinda gross and like an ordeal but at the same time not terrible. The last one I gave was seemingly pretty good for him, I know what I like in a blowjob so I just tried to do that, his was kinda small too which made it easy. I felt sorta bad though about trying to talk my totally naïve and petite girlfriend into blowing me back in highschool. It seemed to me that sucking a dick is an ordeal that is not for the weak of heart. Still…I was a really good boyfriend, lol that’s a whole nother conversation.
Reply
Good sex happens when each party goes into it with the mindset that says, “I’m going to use your body to have a good time – you have a good time with mine.” When giving head don’t do it to service the other guy; do it to have fun and enjoy it. Use all your senses. His crotch is putting out pheromone, which hits my brain like a drug, and his pre-cum is leaking oxytocin – the bonding hormone. I feel his pulsing dick in my throat, I taste it, and I smell it and it gets me high as a kite. I’m not servicing him. I’m servicing ME. I don’t do it out of low self-esteem. I do it because I love it and that’s what I want. And when I’m really good and high, maybe I’ll let some other hungry dude take mine – but not until I’ve had enough dick and I’m flying high.
Reply
Having self esteem is what makes someone attractive.
Reply
I, too, found it incredibly difficult to kiss a man the first time, even after having sucked several cocks. I love to kiss because of its intimacy and the closeness that is more personal than having a cock in my mouth.
Reply
I have a question I didn’t see addressed on your site. I’ve only been to a bathhouse a couple of times and am pretty inexperienced. I don’t get a private room. My question is, “When and where is it okay to cum?” A guy stroking me can really get me off. You talk about quickies in the shower. Do guys actually shoot in the showers? The porn room, the hot tub or how about the sauna? Is it acceptable to just shoot on the floor or is that bad etiquette? Part of my dilemma was I wanted to cum so bad but didn’t know where exactly I could or should. Is this a stupid question? Let me know. I never saw any other guys shooting loads that weren’t off in private rooms or out of sight somewhere. I ended up leaving without getting off for this reason. It was frustrating. Where is it acceptable?
Reply
I have cum (and taken cum) in many ways and many areas. If I am about to cum, I will always warn the other guy, I am going to shoot my load. That way, he can decide how he takes my load (either in my mouth; on his body or the floor)…whether he spits it out after or swallows is also on him. The bathhouse I go to is pretty good about cleaning the floors/walls (especially in the common areas, like the GH) every hour or so.
The staff does not like it if you do a lot of stuff in the tub/pool area. It’s hard to clean & sanitize.
I have also cum in the steam/dry saunas, but those can be wiped off rather easily. I have used my towel and just exchange it for another one afterwards.
Reply
Have enjoyed much fun at bathhouses, where I had my first oral sex with another male , both giving and receiving
Reply
What I am not sure about is the self-esteem issue at work here. I mean are you saying that any guy who wants to give head is suffering from low self-esteem?
I doubt that in my case it applies, but I am willing to consider the issue from any angle. My enjoyment in sex is in the pleasing of the other person. I have a buddy who is str8 and he lets me do him whenever we get together. He says he likes the way I do it. That it feels so hot. And I get to have this guy in a way that is intimate for me and very gratifying.
Reply
He sounds like an ageist Asian GEEK to me. The only thing he does is get his dick sucked? NO THANK YOU.He also sounds like he’s been around the block too many times, for health reason I would advise all to be wary when around this freak.The guy doesn’t suck dick, and has spent $26,000 on going to the baths, and he doesn’t score 95% of the time. Sounds great
Reply
Explain how to suck a dick with out gagging from the length, help,
Reply
You need to present your stories better, They’re hard to read and your introduction is so generic. Quite boring. Organize the paragraphs better.
Reply
I need some one to be with. Your stories are great and I do the same thing u do! Who gives a damn about STD’s! I will still blow and bite! I got to 9 inch and I am looking your way. ttyl, Kylew
Reply
I just read your comments on not sucking dick…. It reminds me of when I was going to the baths. Most of the men I met were selfish… they just wanted to get off and cruise on. I think that’s why people go to the baths. They want no-strings attached pleasure, and they can find it there!
Reply
I admire your honesty. I also liked reading about the dick sucking which goes on in the bath houses. I haven’t sucked a dick in the longest time for some of the same reasons you haven’t, but I still long for an 18-25 year old dick in between my lips shooting his load down my throat.
Reply
Enjoy some of your letters. I am bi and never give head to a man for male and health reasons. But I understand your earlier feelings of need of reciprocation. I go occasionally to saunas in Hong Kong and normally I am “attacked” by some hungry mouths and sometimes I let it go and my (darkroom) blower disappears into the darkness. I feel guilty as I always like to reciprocate, but then I am somehow shy and not good at that.
Reply
I have read a few of your stories and enjoy them. You are a good writer. I read “The Politics of Gay Oral Sex.” I have to disagree with your statement, “No one could only do oral in their individual sexual practices; it might have been a combination of things.”
I got HIV from sucking. Oral was my only risk factor. If you care to know the details, visit my web page. Again, I congratulate you on one of the more interesting websites I have seen on on the web. I look forward to reading some more.
Reply